The connection between human resources and relationship counseling might seem odd at first, but it’s not surprising. Progress in both of those areas depends on regular, honest conversations about the status of either an employment or a personal relationship. But how does a performance review actually help a relationship?
Psychologists are finding out that by using the logic of performance check-ins, relationship check-ups provide a platform for you and your partner to engage in an open discussion about the status of your relationship.
The ultimate goal — partners gain a better understanding of each other’s thoughts and emotions and set goals to improve whatever area might be lacking.
Much like a pressure valve, relationship
check-ups allow couples to air things out before conflicts arise.
In a 2014 study, published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 216 married couples were given questionnaires to assess the biggest strengths and weaknesses in their relationship. Half of those who took part in the survey went over their evaluations with a therapist and formed a plan to tackle their concerns, while the other half were told they were on a wait list.
After two years, the group of people who had done the check-ups saw significant improvements in their relationship satisfaction, intimacy and feeling of acceptance by their partner, as well as a decrease in depressive symptoms.
A Wall Street Journal article by Elizabeth Bernstein features an interview with Prof. James Córdova – lead researcher from the study mentioned above. Dr. Córdova is a Director of the Center for Couples and Family Research at Clark University.
Bernstein writes:
As for the review itself, Dr. Córdova says you should always begin by identifying your strengths as a couple. “It is the positive foundation that keeps a relationship happy and healthy in the long run,” he says.
Then move on to discussing your concerns—but limit yourself to one or two. “You don’t want to kitchen-sink the thing,” Dr. Córdova says. And you don’t need to come up with a solution right away. Aim to understand your partner and to have your partner understand you.
In the same article, Ms. Bernstein writes about Kathlyn and Gay
Hendricks — relationship coaches, psychologists, and authors of multiple books on marriage. They schedule informal discussions twice a week and a formal marriage review every few months:
They ask themselves, “How are we doing working together as a partnership?” and discuss areas where they need to improve. They examine their top three goals—for example, “working together as a team for our children,” “working together toward financial goals” or “being together so we both have a great sexual experience.” And they talk about how they can make their differences work for them.
Elizabeth Bernstein, Wall Street Journal
To summarize:
- Research indicates that relationship check-ups work
- Focus on the positive first
- Set goals
- Mutual understanding is top priority
Inspired by Dr. Cordova’s research and informed by dozens of news outlets which reported on relationship check-ups, we decided to create a simple, digital form for you. Click on the button below to check it out and don’t forget to share with others: